


Humans Are Ridiculous

by VotumStellarum



Series: The Only Five Humans [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Clean VS Dirty, M/M, Masturbation, Self-Acceptance, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, klance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-27 16:13:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10030994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VotumStellarum/pseuds/VotumStellarum
Summary: Same day as Humans Can Have Uncertainty, about nine hours later.  After a long mission during which the lions became separated, Keith and the Red Lion are the last to get back home.  Keith has a bit of time in the hangar with his thoughts, hoping Lance will meet him there.// Lance and Keith meeting up in the Red Lion’s hangar split into two chapters.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ( 1 ) In this series the lions are sentient, but have no gender. "She" is used here for Red and Blue, but none of the lions' behaviors are gender specific. Replace it with "he" or "they" or "it", if you like. These cats are above it.
> 
> ( 2 ) This story split into two parts/chapters because there's a distinct shift in tone once their conversation goes to a certain topic.

********

 

When the Red Lion approached, claws outstretched to grip firmly onto the metal hangar floor, the advanced-engineered alloy made contact with a sound no louder than a door closing.  Once inside the castleship, the lion gave a curt growl of acknowledgment that was likely only audible to her paladin.

The Red Paladin sat upright, tense, both fists gripping the control levers with precision until the lion’s knees gently flexed.  The entire craft landed and the hangar doors closed on both sides. The airlock activated and Keith could hear the ship’s generated atmosphere filling the area.

As the cockpit decompressed, Keith collapsed forward from the waist, exhausted but relieved, and he let the weight of his upper body rest entirely on the controls.  Red reacted with a short rumble slightly upturned like a question; Keith recalled that the contact on the control grip transmitted his heart rate.  His chest and shoulders moved as he breathed, and he now started to mentally come in from the mission. It hadn’t been as risky or precarious as some other missions they had been on together...

But it had been a challenge. Not only was the cargo ship they had been tracking a trap, but a squad of fighters ambushed the castleship and Allura needed to jump through a wormhole to escape. The lions were split up and after a few tense hours found each other, but Keith and Red were the last to return.  He transmitted a short message to the bridge confirming he and his lion were finally docked.  

Hunk piped into the channel to tell him that Lance waited tensely for about 40 minutes while Keith ran interference on the enemy squad, but once they had confirmed Keith was safe and on his way in, finally the Blue Paladin said he felt sick and needed a shower.

“...So Lance made me promise to tell you he’ll be ‘wherever you expect him to be’ after he gets out of the shower. Isn’t that weirdly cryptic? Like, dude, why not just say ‘tell Keith meet me at the kitchen’ or wherever...”  Hunk’s voice paused and Keith heard him shuffle, “...did something happen between you two?”

“Heh, don’t worry, Hunk, it’s nothing bad. I get what he means... but I need a minute to catch my breath.  How about we all meet up in few hours and get food?”

“Sounds like a plan!  This was a loooong day, man, take it easy, okay? ...Both of you.”

The communication channel closed and with an expansive breath in, Keith released the controls, letting out a deep sigh of relief.  He slouched back against the pilot’s seat and as he drew another slow breath in, he heard the CLICK of the command chair harness when it slid down over his shoulders.

“Come on, Red, I'm good... I promise.” He spoke quietly, and opened his eyes.  Keith knew didn't need to speak aloud for the lion to understand, but he did anyway this time, and with a smirk as he put a hand to the latch that should release it. The harness didn’t move.

Likewise, the Red Lion didn't need to make any sounds for Keith to understand her intent.  She used her own energy to feed the ideas into the mind of her paladin, and if he had to translate this reply to words, he'd say it was something like,

“ _Nope, you're too tense to go anywhere right now, cub scout. Stay. Until you release._ ”

Keith rested back into the chair with another deep breath, consciously trying to calm his heart rate and breathing, then he laughed quietly recalling the first time he had been locked into that chair.  That was also the first time she addressed him with this patronizing, yet oddly affectionate, term.

Since bonding, the Red Lion regularly referred to Keith as a “ _fresh, eager-to-achieve, clueless-about-the-universe, just-learned-how-to-start-a-campfire, but still-too-vulnerable-to-be-left-in-the-cold-alone-in-the-woods little cub._ ”  To shorten that in his mind, Keith imagined it as “ _cub scout_ ”, and at first the idea annoyed him -- yes, he was younger and not as experienced as Allura, or even Shiro, but he was plenty mature.  It's not like the previous paladins were all enlightened ancient beings, were they??  

Red made it clear that, as a matter of fact, humans are a new species in the timeline of the universe, just barely evolved enough to escape the gravity of their own rock, and Keith was very fresh in the history of humanity. The Red Lion accepted him as a paladin, but he was still a cub.  And Keith couldn't deny that so he ceased arguing and made a habit of graciously accepting the lion’s protection when offered.

 

*

 

As Keith rested back, he remembered few months ago; the first time she called him “cub scout” was after returning from a mission of similar roughness, but Keith was much newer to the role of paladin and Red was less versed in the tendencies of this particular human.

On that day, the Red Lion docked in exactly the same way, but after the airlock decompressed, Keith continued breathing too quickly and his heart wouldn’t slow even after they were safe. His body was clearly stressed to new limits; adrenaline, norepinephrine as well as dopamine coursing through him in unprecedented amounts.

He jumped, startled when Lance’s voice pierced through the communication channel, then Pidge, Hunk and Shiro as each confirmed they’d returned safely.  Keith mustered a response and then immediately closed the channel. He disconnected the communicator, tossed his helmet to the floor behind the command chair and remotely shut down the airlock from both sides.  He wanted no one to see him like this.

And Red went completely silent too.  Energy continued to gently pulse, but the displays and main screen powered down as they always do for sleep mode.  Only dim light along the edges of the cockpit still glowed, barely enough for Keith to make out the silhouette of his own legs and the controls in front of him.

In the silence, the command chair felt small and secured; a strong contrast to the vast open star field where he had previously been dodging heavy artillery until a wormhole opened and he could jump away.  He was proud of his performance, content with how he handled himself in battle, but still relieved to be safely back inside.  With a deep sigh Keith distantly recalled the barrier would prevent anyone else from touching the Red Lion; even if someone could override the airlock and enter, no one could sneak up or surprise him in the cockpit right now.

Keith pulled himself up to standing, shucked off his chest plate, then gauntlets and upper armor, unclipped and tossed the belt aside, then unzipped the flight suit all the way open to his hips. Still overheated, he peeled each sleeve from his arms and then the entire suit down to the armor plating on his thighs. He tapped the skin on his arms, surprised to feel them dry considering how hot he was. Then he remembered, “ _the flight suit fabric is engineered to absorb excess body fluids, and the saturation point is well over your own body weight._ ” Oh right, Pidge must have mentioned that at some point.  He pulled the top half out from under himself and sat again, feeling the cool, smooth seat tingled against his bare skin.

After some time of stretching out in the dark quiet of this chair, Keith had finally calmed his nerves.  Then he recalled “ _the hangar climate is only controlled enough to prevent it from freezing near the vacuum of space…_ ” It would be a bad idea to fall asleep here, especially 60% unclothed. He decided he should get up and get dressed enough to go into the ship.

But then he didn’t.  The tension and stress and weeks of frustration were strapped onto Keith like an overloaded backpack; he slouched even more in the chair.  His core was still warm but the surface of his skin became chilly enough that he crossed his arms and his fingertips were colder across his body than he expected.  When his wrist unintentionally brushed a sensitive spot on his chest, a shiver shot straight down through his navel and he swore quietly.

Through the second and third time, which were slightly more intentional, Keith held his breath and then shivered again as his own fingers slid down his sternum, and lower.  He cut himself off sharply, “ _This is not the time._ ”

Quickly after, a different thought came to his mind, “ _Actually, this is a perfect time.  No one else will hear or see anything.  No one will interrupt me..._ ”

Keith’s vision had adjusted to the darkness and he could see more details of his own figure, slouched in the pilot’s chair, flight suit clinging to his legs, all his other skin by contrast fair and reflecting a cool red rim-light as he looked down.  His eyes closed before he took hold of himself and at first he imagined he would stay calm and methodical.  Like stretching after a cross-country run, or like oiling the chain after a long bike ride: this was simply a routine maintenance procedure.  

But that wasn’t really working, and when his eyes opened again, the reality of being tingling, undressed and swollen in the command chair of his own spacecraft was much, _much_ more effective.  Keith held the air in his lungs again, slowly admitting that he was _not_ calm. He was truthfully hectic, tense and surprisingly stiff.  A wave of some strange emotion washed over him; it was like shame, but not quite.  If he’d really been ashamed, he wouldn’t have tightened his grip and milked it slowly, until his breath hitched again. He didn’t feel shame, but he felt _so dirty_.

Which, at this moment, worked _very well_. After a little time, the Red Paladin was leaking over his fingers and throbbing gently.  He watched his hands trace back up along his own contours the way he would touch someone else; he felt raw and filthy in the best way.  Certain that no one could sneak in on him, he also felt safe.  Then his mind wandered…

 _What if Shiro talked the lion into releasing the barrier so he could get in?_ Heh, that'd be funny.  Guess he’d get to see how much I’ve grown... _What if Allura flipped an override switch and put a visual of this cockpit on the bridge for everyone right now?_   _Ooh, shit_ , that’s a little bit terrifying, but she wouldn’t, right? Sh-she doesn’t even know I’m still in here, _uaah--_ _What if Lance came looking for me and found me here like this?_   _Lance_ , _aah,_ if he tried to get near me right now, he’d probably squeal about how gross I am, but he’d secretly want it-- _yessss,_ I bet he’d help and I’d give him a mouthful _, fuck--_

Somehow an image of the Blue Paladin amplified everything raw and thrilling in his imagination right now.  Outside his thoughts, the cockpit was silent until each breath Keith took in became sharper and audible.  All at once he was aware of his sweat and moisture beading up on the seat and vividly pictured the mess he really wanted to make. He wet his lips, increased his pace and his voice out loud was climbing up to his rarest notes-- when a surprising _new_ thought came to his mind,

“ _You know, for such a recent species, we expend a lot of energy pretending we've evolved above our primal needs.  I should happily accept this is my nature: I’m a dirty little cub._ ”

 

And Keith suddenly realized what was going on.  Embarrassment hit him like a gust of wind, nearly knocking him out of the chair. He struggled between the urge to hide himself and the need to fist himself tighter; he was already close but getting called out was a Really. Big. Distraction.

A new thought interrupted the interruption, “ _What's wrong? I have to keep going-- Won’t I feel better once I spill the extra fluids? This is important._ ”  

Keith didn’t mean to shout back in his mind, but it probably seemed that way to the lion as he fumbled over which ideas to communicate, “ _Wait! Wh-when did you?! -- ahh, I thought you were asleep-- I mean, you were so-- y-you usually ROAR or BARK at me, I--  I promise I was-- ahh, I mean, I wouldn’t-- not on your command chair, ugh--”_

This conversation was a mess in his mind, but out loud the only sounds were air flowing in through the cabin vents and Keith whimpering softly under his own hands.  His fist slowed, but didn’t stop. The Red Lion ceased sending ideas for a moment to sort out what he was saying.

 

Now he understood. Letting his head fall back hard against the headrest, Keith groaned.  When the energy was low and quiet, the lion’s ideas blended seamlessly with his own thoughts and memories.  The Red Lion didn’t just now speak up; she’d been brushing against his consciousness all along. Naturally she'd be confused when he just now struggled to show some modesty.  As he figured it out, so did Red.

That's why when the lion spoke next, the volume of energy was enough to clear ANY confusion about which ideas belonged to whom.  

 _“Listen, cub scout... A human worried about being ‘clean’ is simply absurd. You're all sloshy packets of meat and fluid; you are ALWAYS dirty_. _You are also resilient and spontaneously creative in ways not even the most advanced robotic intelligence could be_. _You're the Red Paladin, not in spite of, but BECAUSE OF your raw nature.”_

Perhaps even more important than this idea was that through these thoughts Keith could feel Red clearly considered his impending eruption same as everything else he normally leaves around the cockpit. From the time he first piloted the Red Lion, Keith never hesitated to shake his hair out from his helmet, or worry about coughing, or touching the controls with sweat or blood on his grip.  “ _Why do you suddenly care now? Where did you get the idea anything your tiny form can spray is a problem?”_ If Red were capable of a sigh, Keith might have heard one here.

_“Humans are ridiculous.”_

Keith might have laughed out loud if he had any control over his mouth at this moment. He was caught, exposed physically and mentally, his hair was sweaty and stuck to his hot, red face, his fingers straightened and now gently gliding from the base up to the tip.   “ _If you keep accumulating tension, something will break.  Do you need help finishing this reset?  Do you need some other tools?”_ The lion’s energy reminded Keith of a pit crew mechanic trying to find the right bolt for a tire change, urgent but carefully attentive.

Keith almost replied that he needed to be alone, but Red could see through that.  “ _You need... an authorization code? Permission?”_  Keith blinked straight up through the darkness to the paneled ceiling.

He identified a spot inside that ignited; he recognized his craving to hit or pound or rub against it as roughly as possible.  And Keith knew _that would work_ , so he let one hand take hold of himself again and put the other to his mouth. He thoroughly wet two fingers, then added a third which quickly became pretty sloppy.  

He considered sprinting out to the service bay; nonsensically assuming he'd feel less guilty to let go there. And he didn’t mean to communicate any of that to Red, but he might not have been able to hide it.

_“Enough. Your body is in knots and your judgement is distorted. You're not leaving until you release.”_

Keith held his breath when that thought filled his mind; the idea was hot in his imagination, but to actually do it -- _right here on the command chair?  all over on the control panel and the floor_ and then with a CLICK that became his only option. The harness locked down over his shoulders, just as designed, pinning him safely, securely to the pilot's seat.  

For one long breath, Keith was completely still, silent. Then a small, soft sound escaped, possibly grateful.  His heels came up onto the edge of the seat, his hand eased carefully lower.

 _“_ _Spill it, cub scout.”_

*

The memory was still intense even at this moment some months later. It warmed Keith at his core again recalling the not-exactly-shameful feeling.  Then, in detail, he remembered the release, and afterwards using his flight suit to wipe evidence of it from the controls and floor...

And somehow that memory naturally segued into wondering about Lance right now.

The Blue Paladin was clearly upset about something earlier, and he was holding back, but Keith was determined to find out why and to fix it.  He wondered, _is Lance homesick again?  What else can I do?_ Then Keith heard the CLICK again as the harness retracted itself.

“Oh wow...” Keith smiled broadly, but didn't move to get up, “...does this mean you finally trust me when I tell you I’m good?”

_“No.  However the little prince doesn’t deny your nature, so I’ll trust him to help when you're being stubborn.”_

 

Keith sat straight up, suddenly concerned about the implications.

First of all, he recognized “little prince” referred to Lance, whom the Red Lion called the _“eager-to-please, clueless-about-the-universe, probably-liked-by-many-small-animals despite-being-precise-with-deadly-long-range-weapons, charismatic little diplomat”_.

Secondly, why does Red think Lance would help?  Did Red somehow know about what happened in their bunk? The lions didn't monitor them ALL the time, did they?  No way.  Maybe Blue knew something?

And finally, if Red disengaged the harness just now... does that mean…?

Keith turned to look back, his pulse picking up when he heard familiar footsteps hurrying over the ramp.

 

Just as expected, from the entrance directly behind the command chair Lance entered.   He stopped short, looking around while his eyes adjusted to the low-lighting in the cockpit.  

Lance was dressed in the blue Altean robe he always wore after a bath, with his basket of bath supplies in hand and the towel for his hair draped on his shoulder. The cockpit lighting gave his skin a soft rosy glow like smooth velvet, which made Keith wonder how oily and unkempt his own face looked. Then a thought about what might be underneath the robe came to Keith’s mind when Lance spoke.

“Keith... you won’t believe this...” his voice bright like usual, but quieter to fit the intimate space of the cockpit. “I can hear your lion now!”  

“Oh yeah? Did she talk to you?”

“Well, I guess.  I can’t understand it as clearly as when Blue talks, but while I was in the shower, I definitely heard Red calling me.”

“What’d she say?”  Keith stood up and the control levers retracted automatically as he stepped to the side of the chair. 

“She told me to come here right away, even before I got dressed or did anything else,” Lance took another step closer, setting the supplies on the floor.  “Then when I got to the hangar, she said I could walk through the barrier to get to the cockpit.  So far that’s it, but… I… I mean, I was gonna come here anyway as soon as I knew you were back.”

A warm hum resonated through both paladins in the cockpit, but only Keith received the intent.  

“ _Communicating with the little prince drains my energy at an excessive rate; he’s much more suited to the Blue Lion.  But this much should suffice.  I expect he can figure out what to do.”_

 

“Heh…” Keith’s voice was quiet, smiling. “So did you hear that?”

“I heard something, couldn't make it out… Why, is Red talking about me??”

Keith unconsciously looked to the floor.  “...it’s not bad. I’m pretty sure she likes you.”

“Nice!  Hey, Red!  Since we’re buddies now, how ‘bout I take you out for a ride?  You've got some sweet agility stats so I can show you why they called me The Tailor back at th-- !”

Lance stopped suddenly when a boom of energy hit both paladins. It wasn't painful, but neither expected that and Keith let out a small ‘ _whoa’_. This time Lance received the idea, Keith only felt the hum wash through him.

_“No one has energy to go back out right now.  I allowed you inside to complete one task, little prince.  Nothing here will respond to your touch except the Red Paladin.”_

“Wh-whoaa…” Lance felt some heat creep up his neck and slowly allowed himself to look Keith in the face, but Keith appeared unfazed.  Lance noted the lion was only communicating with one of them at a time.

 

“Okaaay.  Um, so Keith, do you have any idea about... the job?”

“What job?”

“I can't tell.  Red says I have a job to do here, but…”

Keith smirked as a new thought came to his mind, _really? Does he need more explicit instructions?_

Keith shook that off, putting his attention back on Lance.  “A-anyway, we can figure that out later, but first, I want to talk… what's going on with you?”

Lance paused before he replied, his face displayed a touch of worry. “What do you mean? I'm… fine.  I just got back earlier and I really needed a shower. It's no big deal.”

“Not that, I'm talking about yesterday and this morning. Something's definitely bothering you, I can tell, but I--”

Interrupted by another boom, Keith halted and Lance took a step back, eyes widening so much that Keith became concerned.

 

Lance meanwhile received a sequence of very vivid images in his mind. It wasn't unpleasant but the intensity and frequency were both higher than that of anything Blue had ever communicated to him.  When the energy subsided, Lance covered his mouth.

 

“Y-you-- wow, Keith, is your lion always... so…?”

“Blunt? Invasive?  Yeah, she is, but just ignore Red right now. Tell me what's bothering you so we can--.”

Keith interrupted his own sentence when he heard a latch close loudly behind them both.  It was probably the door through which Lance entered.

“I-I can’t just IGNORE it" Lance ran his hands over his face and into his hair. "She… what the, she says I have to… well, I’m not sure if she wants me to literally do _that_ , but-- but, like, I'm pretty damned sure I can't just--”

Lance stopped himself when Keith walked passed him to check the latch.  Keith grunted when it didn’t respond to him and the door wouldn’t open as usual.

 

“Wait, whoa, Keith. A-are we locked in here?”

“Don't panic, she's just being… ugh.”  Keith sighed loudly and concentrated on communicating with Red silently.   _Come on, Red. You can tease me all day, but Lance is already stressed and I'm trying to make him relax so he’ll talk to me. Let us go before he freaks out, okay?_

About 30 tics passed with no reply from the Red Lion before Keith leaned forward, hitting his head against the latched door with a gentle thud.  He spoke aloud so Lance could hear this time.

“Are you kidding me?! NOW you decide to be quiet?? Hello-- It's me! Your paladin! Open up.”

“Heheh, Keith... I don't think that's the way to persuade this lion.”

Lance chuckled, crossing the small space, and he helped himself to a seat in the pilot’s chair.  As promised, nothing responded; the control levers, harness and displays remained inactive. Lance crossed his ankles and turned to lounge sideways across the seat.

But as Keith watched Lance laugh, his annoyance dissolved quickly. He didn't mind being alone with Lance, so if the Blue Paladin wasn't worried, there wasn't really a problem yet.  Then Lance spoke again, his voice a little more timid.

“Hey, Red… um, I… I'm not sure I can do what you told me… like, I don't know how to even start, and even if I were gonna try, this wouldn't really be a good place for it… But Keith’s had a really hard day and I'm sure he wants a shower and food and stuff, so can you give me a different job to do?  Then we can get out?”

 

Still no response.

Keith sighed again, keeping his eyes closed as he spoke softly this time.

“I think I can guess what she wants you to do, but--”

“No, actually, I don't think you can! What I saw in my mind a minute ago was NOT normal. Especially not for y-you and me.”

Keith blinked back, caught off guard by that response.  He had assumed the task was something to release sexual frustration, and Lance clearly had no problem with that; he smoothly disarmed Keith’s modesty just a few days ago.  So if what Red told Lance to do was something 'not normal' for the two of them, then…

Keith decided to stop guessing for now.

 

“Okay, well...” Keith spoke softly as he took a seat on the floor beside the command chair, facing Lance who now had to look down.

“As long as we’re here waiting for Red to let us out… tell me why you were gloomy this morning?  I seriously want to know how you feel.  It's just us.  You can tell me anything.”

 

Lance took a slow breath in but didn't speak. Keith repeated in his mind, _patience_. _Patience_. He didn't comment on the length of the silence, or press further, or move again.

 

And finally Lance spoke.

**Author's Note:**

> ...Relatable!Lance is making things really hard for Impatient!Keith. REALLY HARD.
> 
>  
> 
> // This part focuses on Keith getting himself clear so he can be prepared to clear things up with Lance. Fortunately, part II is in progress; it'll be up soon. So excited for them to resolve this all.
> 
> //// also, I’m so happy to hear some readers have liked this series! I was uncertain about sharing at first, so many thanks for the feedback. ✧･*and thanks for reading*:･✧


End file.
